You are at: Pearls Before Swine Lord and Saviour Version 3.2  

Hi! I'm Joesus. I've been walking around on this planet for 22 years not knowing I am the Messiah.

God is Good - But never dance in a small boat.

So this is where I shall set straight some of the misconceptions people have made about me and my beliefs (now called Christianity - sheesh) during my absence.

So - let us begin:
Saturday, March 24, 2001 A.D.
I'm a touch depressed - always happens at this time of year - old memories die hard - but this brought me right up! You can read about it here - but persevere and you'll get through.
Monday, January 1, 2001 A.D.

Saturday, December 23, 2000 A.D.
If I see another Assistant Manager from a slimy shoe store with a Middle-Management Moustache and a Santa Cap yuking it up in a bar behaving like an amateur imbider I am gonna choke him until he buys me a birthday gift.
Tuesday, December 19, 2000 A.D.
Joesus Officially-Sanctioned Holiday gifts:
Divine Interventions
Fetus Soap
... and the holiday's smash hit:

Don't pick your scabs until they are ready!
Friday, December 15, 2000 A.D.
So if you are one of Joesus' CHOOSEN FEW then you'll need to click here to retrieve your muffaletta info.
Monday, December 4, 2000 A.D.
Never learn to swim - it only prolongs the drowning.
Friday, December 1, 2000 A.D.
So David Blaine spends 62 hours in a 6 ton block of ice and is lauded all over the media - I spend 2 years in swaddling clothes and go unnoticed!
Friday, November 30, 2000 A.D.
Hope everybody is really gearing up for my big birthday party...
As usual I am chock full of gift ideas for you mortals.
Friday, November 24, 2000 A.D.
OK - so I took a day off yesterday while everybody was calling my name before lunch...
But I'm ready to pack up and head to Florida to get a real vote count. They are readying the Republican Party Headquarters for my arrival.
Wednesday, November 22, 2000 A.D.
Do we really want these guys in charge?
Nov. 22, 2000 | WASHINGTON (AP) -- Republican vice presidential candidate Dick Cheney suffered a "very slight heart attack" early Wednesday morning, doctors said.
... and I thought Dubya was tweaking...
Sunday, November 12, 2000 A.D. (Haw Haw - I love that!)
Deny a spoiled child for the first time in his life...
... and he'll grow a huge boil on his face. Just wait - if he does get into Pennsylvania Ave, he'll grow a hairy hump as he starts seeking revenge. Do you want a president that tweaks out like this?
Don't pick your scabs until they are ready!
Thursday, August 3, 2000 A.D. (Haw Haw - I love that!)
Press Release
In a suprise move, O.J. Simson endorsed George W. Bush as his choice for president. Citing that this "Reformer with Results" more closely "thinks and speaks more like me than any other candidate." "But the views and record of George W. are much closer to what I would hope a president to have," Simpson wrote.
"I saw the report that children in Texas are going hungry. Where? You'd think the governor would have heard if there are pockets of hunger in Texas."
George W. Bush whose state ranks 2nd in total number of children living in poverty to Austin American Statesman, 12/18/99

Thursday, August 1, 2000 A.D. (Haw Haw - I love that!)
So I've been toying with the rewrite on the Commandments and I came up with my first one:

But upon careful review I'm thinking there are too many loopholes for you litigeous mortals - whatcha think? Don't worry - even though it looks like it - it's not set in stone ... yet.

Friday, July 28, 2000 A.D. (Haw Haw - I love that!)
You're never gonna guess who I met last night! My dad and I were playing pool (don't worry - not even anywhere near your galaxy) and who did he introduce me to but Bill Hicks. For you unenlightened: Bill was a comedian from Texas during his recent brief stay on your planet. Dad says he was sent as a messenger to prepare ya'll for my arrival. But as luck would have it, the Standards and Practices Boards of your media outlets squelched his voice. Bill choked to death by constantly having to swallow his own bile. It's too bad - he's breaking 'em up up here.

Saturday, July 08, 2000 A.D. (Haw Haw - I love that!)
Sorry all of you theologians, priests, preachers, and TV evangelists - you are out of a job. There is absolutely no need for you anymore. My Words you so misinterpreted from my first stay on this planet have caused enough pain, remorse, guilt, and death by your sloppy logic and senseless fan club actions that I am seriously thinking of building a Dante-like layer of Hell specifically for you. And I do mean you©.

Now all this nonsense:
The King James Version, New International Version, New American Standard Bible, Revised Standard Version, Darby Translation, Worldwide English, New King James Version, Young's Literal Translation, and all of that ilk shall all be rescinded and thrown on the ashheap of history with letters of apology from their respective sponsors to the general population of this planet (I mean: Ezekiel 23:20 This Chapter Ezekiel 23:19-21 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.- sheesh). Now that I know that I am the one True Lord and Messiah©, all edicts, papal bulls, and interpretations of my thoughts and beliefs shall be considered Heresy. Maybe there can be some Religious History positions created at University for you to continue in this field, but you would serve mankind better by growing corn or playing in a Mariachi Band.

Along the same lines:
All Religious Groups, Affiliations, Political Action Committees, Churches, and Organizations shall hereby divest themselves of all accounts and properties (read money) collected over the centuries and utilize these funds to clothe, feed, and house every single person on this planet with no respect to color or race. I was going to give all the Church Buildings to The Boy Scouts, but since the recent Supreme Court ruling allowing them to discriminate against queers (if you knew Baden Powell like I know Baden Powell), The Red Cross gets them.
Now we're getting somewhere!

Please be patient as I build this page - I have to figure out how a 21st Century Messiah is going to make sheckels on EBay©.
And please be careful with the emails - I am the forgiving type - but Dad (omniscient) can fly into fits of rage and He's just the type to make me start Armegeddon before I get all the coding done ...

Joesus is available for:
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Children's Parties

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