Hi! I'm Joesus. I've been walking around on this planet for 22 years not knowing I am the Messiah. You can reach Joesus at
site design and implementation: www.CodeThis.com © 2001 www.Joesus.com
So now that I am selling Sins I also offer Indulgences.
Those of you unfamiliar with this practice might wanna bone up on some history of the catholic church as this has been a real coffer filler for centuries. The general gist of the procedure is that you pay me money and I forgive and absolve you of your sins.
The problem arises that most people think that sins are those mentioned in their bible. Nothing could be further from the truth. I, as the one True Lord and Messiahİ, have listed the offending sins and their cost for full and complete pardon below. Many may find this priceing schedule utterly capricious and arbitrary. Let me assure you, it is indeed not.
Grace for Sale*:
Murder:
$25.00
Murder (with Government sanction, i.e.WAR):
$25.00
Wreaking Havoc upon christians:
GRATIS!(not a sin in their present condition - you get paid for throwing condoms full of water on christians protesting in front of abortion clinics!)
Being Petty:
$8.00
Adultery:
GRATIS!(no sin)
Premarital Sex:
GRATIS!(no sin)
Drugs:
GRATIS!(no sin)
If it came out of the ground -it's my creation - just like oregano! Man-made drugs - $5.00
Nailing Whines to a Church Door:
$500.00
Blasphemy (christian-style):
GRATIS!(no sin)
Blaspheming Joesus Our Lord:
$15.00 (unless it's really funny)
Sexual Deviance:
GRATIS!(no sin)
Failure to model for CyBurlesque.com
$12.00
Sloth:
$6.00
Gluttony:
$6.00
Being a Politician:
$100.00
Failure to signal lane changes and/or turns:
$8.00
Masturbation:
GRATIS!(no sin)[unless the guilt helps you gasm- then it's $2.00]
Bad HTML Coding:
$16.00
Violating the Sabbath, the day of rest & worship:
$2.00 (this is a great rule!)
Baptizing with water instead of Ox Blood:
$50.00 per occurance (as ya'll baptizers seem to be such sticklers about the absolute word of your bibles)
Preaching or Acting as an Emissary of Joesus Without Proper Documentation:
$49.00 (per occurance)[All Hail The Reverend Jonathon C. Chance]
Being French:
$4.00
Acting French:
$14.00
Speaking French:
$22.00
Not accepting the Divine Seed of Joesus with Vigor and Gusto:
$22.00
Not Tipping Your Server:
66% of your Total Bill
* All pricing U.S. dollars at current exchange rates
This list will undoubtably grow as
Joesus
encounters more French people.
How To Procure Your Indulgence
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Step One:
Detail your Sin, your e-mail address, tell me you're sorry (the most important aspect), enclose payment (check, cash, or money order) and mail to:
Joesus
P O Box 9291
Fort Worth
Texas 76147-9291
U.S.A.
________________________________________________
Step Two
You will receive your Indulgence Certificate promptly.
Do not bother saving this image for your own use - without Mine & Dad's signature it is completely worthless. As a matter of fact, show up on Judgement Day without signatures (or worse, forgeries) and you'll be DAMNED.
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Our First Customer
We recieved our first Indulgence request from a certain Orinthal James Simpson in Florida!
Rest easy , man - that unsignaled lane change is covered!
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joesus@joesus.com